Only Love Can Hurt Like This
by AliceFranklyn
Summary: Nick returns to Holby to win Zoe's heart... Just a one shot, but may write more if I have time/ you like it :)
1. Chapter 1

It was late evening, the sun was just setting over the horizon, and the first stars had begun to waken, the moon casting a faint light over the city. There were very few people around, a few tired and harassed looking workers returning home, and the odd dedicated drinker making his way to the next bar, but the streets were predominantly populated by darkness. She made her way through the streets, looking very out of place with her fancy dress and sky high shoes clicking on the pavements, weaving their way through the rubbish that littered her way. The warm evening required no coat, and so the few who passed could see her in all her beauty: the simple, figure-hugging dress accompanied by diamonds in her ears and round her neck that challenged the stars in their shining beauty, and a secret smile dancing across her face. Finally she turned in at a tiny door tucked between two huge bars that dwarfed the restaurant she entered now. She knew where she was going, making her way straight to a table where a man sat with his back to her. Sitting down, she smiled at him softly, and brushed the hair out of her eyes.

He had been waiting for a good ten minutes, but hadn't ordered a drink. His sharp suit and swept back hair showed that he had put effort into his appearance, and his constant nervous checking of his watch and inability to sit still suggested he was waiting for someone. The waiters who had been circling the table had already started a bet that he was going to be stood up. But the cynical amongst them were proved wrong.

At her arrival, his face lit up, although he tried to downplay his joy by coughing gently, and he looked her up and down, obviously impressed.

"Zoe, you look- incredible"

She smirked and tilted her head to one side. She knew she looked good. "You too. Nice suit."

He grinned and brushed his sleeve almost nervously. "It's bespoke."

Zoe laughed and rolled her eyes at the memory. "I wouldn't have expected anything else from you, Nick. How are things?"

"It's good to be back. Holby is definitely a world away from Michigan, I tell you."

"I can't imagine why you've swapped the bright lights of America for the flickering bulbs of Holby." He seemed reluctant to give her clues, and so she probed deeper, "why have you come back, Nick?"

"I think you know why." His eyes searched hers, seeking something. She looked to the table, averting her eyes from the emotion in his.

**_I tell myself it don't mean a thing,  
And what we got, got no hold on me,  
But when you're not there,  
I just crumble._**

The waiter came to the table, interrupting any kind of moment they had shared, and took their order. When they were alone again, Zoe seemed keen on keeping the conversation light.

"So what groundbreaking things did you do in Michigan?"

He sighed. Although he was obviously reluctant to let the moment slide, he was also not unenthusiastic about discussing his considerable medical achievements.

As she listened to him, she took in every inch of his face. He was so eager to talk about his work and so devoted to his profession. It was this dedication that had initially attracted her to him. She remembered how she used to watch him work, watch the way he seemed to come alive when he was performing complicated procedures, and the pride he'd take in success. She enjoyed her work, but he lived for his. She had missed working with him. Missed seeing his face every day, hearing his voice…

But no. She couldn't let herself think of him like this anymore. She could lose herself in these thoughts, but there was a high chance she'd never find her way back again if she did.

"Oh alright, Nick. That's enough of the ego. Forgot how easy you find it to talk about yourself. Aren't you going to ask how I am?"

He chuckled. "How is life under the reign of Queen Connie?"

"Survivable. Not the same, though, not without you there. Any plans of a return?"  
He shifted in his chair. "That depends. I'm only sticking around here if I've got something to stick around for."

The tone had changed. It was obvious that Nick wasn't going to let this go. He wasn't going to let her go. He reached out and took her hand which was resting on the table, stroking the back of it with his thumb gently. Searching her face for some sign of hope, he squeezed her fingers, his eyes pleading. "I've come back for you, Zoe. I don't care about Michigan or Holby or Clinical Lead. I care about you."

Although her face was full of mixed feelings; guilt, longing, reluctance, desire, she made no attempt to remove her hand from his. "Nick, you need to know, there's someone else- I'm with someone else right now."

"Don't seem to remember it being a problem last time," he quipped daringly.

Pulling her hand out of his hold, and with a frown on her face, "don't make me out to be some kind of- scarlet woman-"

"Scarlet woman? Jesus, Zoe!"

"I'm serious, Nick. I never wanted to be the sort of woman who cheats on people."

"I just have that effect on you, do I?"

Rolling her eyes at his arrogance, but keeping her hands on the table, she said nothing.

His heart felt like it was bursting. He had come back specifically to be with her, to touch her, to hold her, but he could feel that she was slipping away from him yet again. Reaching out again, he took hers, this time in both of his. "Zoe. I've come back to be with you. I love you."

Again, she pulled her hand out of his grip, "you think you can just come back, ring me up and get me in bed? I hear next to nothing from you for months, and you expect me to come running back? Give me some credit, Nick!"

"Zoe, that's not what I meant at all, I know you're not- I know you've not had it easy. But we, we've always had this- something, haven't we? Always had this connection. I know what you're thinking, and vice versa. These past few months in Michigan have been great, but there's been something missing from my life. _You've_ been missing from my life, Zoe."

She sighed, "yes, but we've tried this before, Nick, so many times, and it's never worked, and I always seem to get hurt. I don't think I can go there again. I'm with Max now, it's not going to happen."

His frustration showed on his face, "Max? Who's Max?"

"He's a porter at the hospital, Nick, but does it really matter?"

"A porter? A porter? Not your usual type, is he?"

She winced, then grimaced in anger, shocked that he could be so hurtful, "and what is my type? Rich doctors? Arrogant, self-righteous bastards who think I owe them something? Max may not be a high-flier, but he doesn't presume things about me. And he definitely doesn't treat me like I'm cheap. A meal and a bottle of wine to get me into bed with you!? Fuck that, Nick."

She stood up angrily with her last words, picked up her bag and stormed out the restaurant.

_**I tell myself I don't care that much,**__  
__**But I feel like I'd die till I feel your touch,**__  
__**Only love,**__  
__**Only love can hurt like this.**_

Shocked at her outburst, and already feeling guilty for his words, Nick followed her, shouting an apology to the waiters who were trying to stop him from leaving. At the door, he looked both ways, before he saw her storming round the corner, and he made after her at a run. It didn't take long for him to catch up with her; her shoes weren't exactly made for a quick getaway.

"Zoe, please, ZOE!" he grabbed her arm to stop her from going any further, "Zoe, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." He took her by the arms, looking at her face in the moonlight. She was looking up at him, anger and hurt on her face, and tiny tears at the corners of her eyes. The moon graced her face, outlining her bone structure and subtle make up, and making her look like she was bathed in some sort of ethereal light. "I don't think you're cheap. You're the strongest, most intelligent, sexiest woman I've ever met, I've come back because I need you."

She tried to wriggle out of his grip yet again, but her heart wasn't really in it anymore. Their relationship had always been fiery, love and hate mixed together in almost equal measures, and she didn't have the energy to fight it anymore. He brought one hand up to cup her face, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb. "I love you, Zoe."

And then he leaned down and he kissed her.

_**Only**_**love**_** can hurt like this,**__  
__**Must have been a deadly kiss,  
Only love can hurt like this.**_


	2. Chapter 2

She pulled away, half shocked and still angry, half flattered and excited. His eyes were soft, full of nothing but love. She felt so conflicted: torn between pure, headstrong lust for the man whom she'd always loved deep down, and guilt over what this would do to Max. Nick had always had this hold over her, his smile could melt her or fill her with fiery passion, and she knew that she was frustratingly susceptible to falling under his spell. He was smiling right now, that slightly arrogant half-smirk, half-boyish grin. _Why did he have to come back now?_ She could feel herself falling, feel the ground being swept out from underneath her feet once again, and no matter how hard she flailed or tried to escape, she knew that she was his. She let him stroke her cheek with the pads of his thumbs and closed her eyes.

"Why do you always do this?"

"Do what?"

"Make me fall for you."

And with that she reached up to him, taking his face in her hands this time, and brought her lips to meet his. At first, it was like shadows were tickling his lips, her gentle touch like wisps of smoke, but as he brought his hands down and pulled her closer to him, passion overtook them, and their mouths began some kind of battle. He turned and pushed her against the wall, almost crushing her, all the while keeping his lips in contact with her skin: her lips, her neck, her shoulders. Coiling her arms round his neck and pulling him even nearer, wanting him closer than she could bring him. She began undoing the buttons on his shirt and trying to pull his jacket over his shoulders, but he grabbed her hands.

"Are we really going to do this in a dirty alley?"

She laughed, kissing the side of his neck, "Where would you rather go?"

"Let's go home, Zoe."

They disentangled themselves, and he grabbed her hand tightly. This time, she did not let go, and let him pull her out of the alley, back through the streets and home.

**_Said I wouldn't care if you walked away,  
But every time you're there, I'm begging you to stay  
And when you come close, I just tremble._**

"Morning, Dr Hanna," a smooth voice greeted her as she entered the staff room the next morning. Her heart dropped as she realised who it was. She hadn't envisaged feeling so crushingly guilty. Last night it had been so easy to forget Max even existed, so lost in her little world with Nick, but this morning he forced his way back into her thoughts, making her feel sick with disgust. He put his hands round her hips, and leant over her shoulder, nuzzling the side of her neck. Forcing a light breezy smile onto her face, she turned round and tried to meet his gaze.

"Max, don't, someone might come in." She took his hands off of her and his face fell. "Sorry, I'm just tired."

"Well, I can solve that for you tonight," he said quietly, moving in closer and snaking his arm round her again-

"No, Max," she dodged out from in front of him, blurted out a "sorry," and left the room.

She felt guilty for leaving him in there, confused and rejected, but when he touched her she felt- wrong. She had never really had a problem with cheating, as far as she was concerned anyone was fair game, she had known Sean was married when they were together, and she had cheated on Matt with Nick. But Max's hands on her made her feel dirty and contaminated. Before, she couldn't get enough of him and they had spent most nights together for a good few months. Now he just reminded her that he wasn't Nick.

How was it possible that after only one night with him, he had changed everything? Yesterday, she had been happy, looking forward to an evening in with her sort-of boyfriend, content at work and with her new position, and this morning she couldn't think about anything but Nick. He had always had this way of filling her head, pushing out all other thoughts. Although she was so independent and headstrong, she found it so difficult resisting him when they were together. Angry at herself for being so weak to let herself fall for him again, and angry at him for messing with her head, she walked right out of the ED until she reached her usual smoking place. She searched in her pockets, but realised she'd left her lighter inside. Checking her phone instead, she discovered three missed calls and a voicemail from Max, and a text from Nick. She read the latter, her heart beating like a tiny drum. She snapped her head up quickly, scanning her surroundings. Catching sight of a tall man leaning against an ambulance, she strode towards him.

"How crude, Nick," she said, indicating the phone in his hand.

He grinned at her, that familiar smile, knowing exactly what was going through her head. "Well it does look good on you."

She blushed and crossed her arms, almost in an effort to hide her figure, but also to stop herself from touching him in public. He, on the other hand, apparently had no such qualms, as he snaked his hands behind her waist, not dissimilar to Max's earlier touch. This time she didn't want to leave his arms, but again, she wriggled out of his arms and looked around her quickly.

"No, Nick, not here. Like I said- I'm with someone from the hospital-"

"Oh yes. I had forgotten about porter-boy."

She looked down, abashed, "yeah. Me, too. Listen, can we meet tonight, we really need to talk this over."

"I'll be here at six." He bent down slightly and planted a kiss on her still flushed cheek, "you're blushing, Zoe." He smiled- half smirk, half grin, and walked away. She almost physically collapsed in on herself, having held herself back from letting her feelings be clear. She rubbed her cheek, irritated at her body's betrayal of emotion, and watched him leave.

**_And every time, every time you go  
It's like a knife that cuts right to my soul._**

**_Only love can hurt like this._**


	3. Chapter 3

This evening echoed the night before; the two of them sitting opposite each other; separated by a meal, wine and candles, but they were in her apartment instead of a restaurant and neither of them had made an effort with their appearance. Her hair was loose and dangling in her face as she ate, but she hadn't the energy to tie it back. The long day had worn away her make-up and led to bags under her tired eyes and her shoulders drooped with the weight of her worries. Her unusually casual attire of a jumper and jogging bottoms were a comfortable deviation from her sharp suits and sky-high heels, although he was disappointed that they left everything to the imagination.

In contrast, he looked wide awake. He'd slept all day, apart from a short walk to wake himself up, and so he was feeling refreshed. His stubble was more pronounced than usual because he hadn't shaved in a few days, but instead of making him look untidy, the short dark hair only served to accentuate his jaw-line and air of relaxation. His shirt hung open, revealing muscles more defined than before- he was obviously taking care of himself more in Michigan, and he looked generally fitter, healthier and more tanned than she had ever seen him. If Zoe had had enough energy to feel self conscious, she would have done.

She played with the last of her meal, twirling the noodles round her fork distractedly. She felt on edge, and even their pleasant, light conversation hadn't managed to put her at ease. Irrationally, she was scared of what was going to happen. She knew how Nick felt about her, he had made it perfectly clear that he had come back for her, but she was scared of what admitting her own feelings would mean.  
She stared at the patterns she had made on her plate as if she was memorizing them, but her subconscious thoughts were with Nick. His open shirt was incredibly distracting, and she'd had to force her eyes to look anywhere else or she'd never tear them away. His newfound vitality had not escaped her watchful eyes and she realised with a start that she'd not seen him for nearly two years. He had changed a lot in that time. Had she? Sighing deeply, she realised that she must look much older and more tired than she had when he'd last seen her.

He watched her. It was funny: he had pictured her face every day for two years and yet he found himself studying her features again, like he'd never seen them before. Was it possible that she was even more beautiful now than she had been? Although she had aged slightly, her eyes were still that melting shade of brown, her mouth still perfectly shaped and soft, her skin still smooth and irresistible. Unlike Zoe, he didn't try and hide the fact that he was mesmerized by her, and stared at her openly.

She brushed her hair behind her ears, her familiar mannerism, although much of it fell back into her face, and he angled his head to keep her in sight through the strands of dark hair. She was playing with her food, showing she was nervous, tense. Suddenly he stood, walked round behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. She leant back against him, her head against his chest, feeling the solid muscles. He began gently rubbing her shoulders, easing away the tension and massaging away any knots he found, his touch soft at first, not wanting to hurt her, but deepening as he went on. He moved to her upper back, and she met him with no resistance, letting out soft moans as his fingers applied pressure in the right places. She closed her eyes as he soothed her worries away, preoccupations flying out of her mind like birds: Max, Connie, the rent, Tess, her health, her mother...

"Zoe, I love you."

His hands were now working her lower back and waist, and she turned round to face him, "you've said that."

"Well, I'll say it a thousand times if I have to convince you that it's true,"

She broke the eye contact, a faint grin gracing her face, "don't Nick, it'll probably get a bit repetitive."

He sighed, "Zoe, this isn't a joke to me. How can I show you that I mean it?"

She said nothing, but moved closer to him, so that he had no choice but to put his arms round her and hold her close. Kissing the top of her head and breathing in the smell of her hair; coconuts and cigarettes, he whispered, "I'll do anything, Zoe."

She closed her eyes, "pretty sure you've said that as well."

He pulled her away and held her at arms' length: "Zoe!" She avoided his eyes, but he persisted, "look at me. How can I convince you that, in fear of repeating myself _yet again_, I love you." He said the last three words slowly, emphasizing each one with a stabbing finality.

She looked up, avoided his eyes and dived straight for his lips. Realising that he wasn't going to get anything worth fighting for out of her tonight, he returned the kiss with equal desire. He had wanted to do this for the entire evening.

She kissed him feverishly, furiously, wanting him ever closer. Trying to reduce the distance between them, she pushed him backwards, towards her bedroom, narrowly avoiding the dining table on their way. She crashed him into the door frame on her way, pushing him against it and pulling his head down towards her. Groaning in pain as she hung onto his neck, he took control, almost picked her up, guided her backwards towards the bed and pushed her back over it.

She may not have said that she loved him aloud, but he could understand her perfectly well through what she was doing.

**_Only love can hurt like this,  
Your kisses burn into my skin,  
Only love can hurt like this._**

He had been confused earlier. She had been so unusually dismissive, so anxious to get away, and then she'd run off without a word of explanation or apology. That had been unlike her: he knew she never wanted anyone else to find out, but she'd normally wait in her car for him so that they could go home together. But he'd gone out into the car park and found no Zoe. He couldn't work out if he'd done something wrong, if he'd offended her, neglected her. He wanted to find her, make sure she was alright.

The bus was busy for nine on a Thursday evening, he could barely breathe through the heat of people and the engine, but it stopped quicker than he expected. Fighting his way through disgruntled passengers, he got off the bus. The fresh air was cool on his face, and he felt suddenly calm: the heat inside had only served to aggravate his fears. He started walking, knowing his way pretty well, the familiar buildings marking his footsteps, and he began collecting his thoughts in a more collected fashion. He was going to find out what was going on.

As he drew nearer her house, an irrational fear stole over him. What was he going to find? She had been distant today, had disappeared inexplicably this evening, and wasn't answering her phone, what explanation could there be? He hoped that she was just having a bad day. He could deal with that, give her a hug and a few clichés, and then persuade her into bed. No matter what Robyn or Lofty or anyone else said, he was capable of real feelings towards a real person. The way he felt about Zoe now was unmatched by any girl he had ever met: unless he found out the reason behind her brush off, he wouldn't be able to rest. Much as he was loath to admit it, he was falling for her.

He turned in at her driveway, part relieved, part nervous to see lights on in what he knew was the bedroom. Taking out the key she had given him so that he could go back for the phone he had left at hers last week, he unlocked the door quietly and stole in.

**_Only love can hurt like this,  
Must have been a deadly kiss,  
Only love can hurt like this._**


	4. Chapter 4

They were both of them too engrossed in each other to notice the door opening. They didn't see the tall, skinny figure in the doorway, nor hear the small gasp of shock and hurt. But Nick felt the sharp blow to the ribs.

"What the-" He turned round sharply, so sharply that he nearly fell on top of Zoe, but she grabbed him and pushed him to his feet.

"What the fuck are you doing?" The intruder's voice was pure venom and anger, his face contorted with fury, "get off her!"

Zoe's heart sank like a brick. Max. The last thing she had wanted to happen. She pushed herself upwards, retrieving Nick's jacket from the bed to cover herself, maybe irrationally: it was nothing that either men hadn't seen before, but there was something about this situation that required at least modesty.

"Max, how did you get in?"  
"You gave me a key, Zoe. A key! I thought- I thought we were going somewhere!"

Zoe got off the bed, went to Max, and put her hands on his chest, "I'm so sorry, I never wanted you to find out like this, this was never-"

"Oh fuck off, Zoe, don't feed me those lines like we're in a crappy film. Why did you give me a key if you were carrying on with this- this-?" He seemed to be struggling to find an insult for the man who was a good few inches taller and wider than him, angry though he was, "idiot?"

Nick laughed incredulously, "so, this is porter-boy? Christ, Zoe, he's about fourteen!"

This only fuelled the fire, "who the fuck do you think you are? You're about fifty! How long have you two been-" He gestured wildly between the two of them, his face less angry now, more hurt.

"Only since yesterday, Max, it's not like this an ongoing thing-" but her protests were futile:

"Yesterday?! Jesus, it took me weeks, months! Never had you down as a first date type of person,"

"We've known each other for years. I'm so sorry you had to find out this way, Max, I know it must be horrible-"

Max began shouting, ""horrible"? "Horrible"? It's a bit worse that "horrible", Zoe!" He tried angrily to pretend that he wasn't crying, but a few tears had already started falling down his face, "what is this, then? Do you- do you love him?" He looked at her, pleading.

Zoe had the grace to look him in the eye, "Max- it's not about-"

"Do. You. Love. Him?"

He now looked like a wounded puppy, and she knew that anything she said would hurt him, so she said nothing.

Her face said it all, though. Max's face crumpled. He took a few steps backwards, bumped into the doorframe and straightened himself, wiping the tears from his cheeks, determined to regain some kind of dignity and composure. "Well far be it from me to stand in the path of true fucking love." He couldn't help but spit the last few words out, turned on his heel and strode out.

They heard the slam of the front door a few seconds later, and she closed her eyes at the sound, guilt sweeping over like a tsunami.

Nick put aside his incredulity at Zoe's latest choice of boyfriend and took her in his arms, kissing the top of her head softly. She put her arms round his waist, her eyes burning with tears and regret.

"Oh, Nick. What have we done?"

**_But it's the sweetest pain,_**

**_Burning hot through my veins,  
Love is torture, makes me more sure._**

"I feel like I've shot a puppy." Her sense of guilt had all but depleted overnight, and she had awoken this morning feeling like she had been hit over the head, although, on reflection, she had also had at least an entire bottle of wine to herself the night before. Only the comfort of Nick's presence in the bed next to her could have made her feel better.

He turned onto his side so that they were lying in front of one another, facing each other. "He did look a bit- floppy. Like a spaniel."

She had to suppress a laugh. Although the comparison was pretty accurate, sharing a joke against him seemed to make her feel even worse. "I led him on and then cheated on him."

He could see that she was really worried about how she'd hurt him, which made her even more attractive to him, "Zoe, he's young, he'll get over it. Next week, he'll have a new crush, and he won't be able to imagine life without her instead."

"He seemed pretty devastated."

"Next month, then."

She smiled and hit him on the arm playfully. "Don't be so heartless, Mr Jordan." Willing to forget Max and the rest of the world, she pushed herself up onto her arm, swung her leg round until she was sitting on top of Nick. She leant forwards and buried her face in his neck, planting hot kisses in a trail from behind his ear to his shoulder. He, for once, held her back.

"Zoe, last night-" she groaned, unwilling to return to last night's events, but he persevered, "porter- sorry- Max asked if you if you loved me. Do you? Do you love me?"

She sat up, her face unreadable. _How was she supposed to answer that one?_

**_Only love can hurt like this,_**

**_Must have been a deadly kiss,  
Only love can hurt like this._**

Nick lay on the bed for hours after she had gone to work. Yet again, she had wriggled out of the question. He could guess what her answer was, knew how she had felt about him, and recognised the need that had filled her before he had left. He wanted more than anything to convince her that he wasn't going to work her barriers away and then up sticks back to Michigan, leaving her cold and vulnerable yet again, but he just couldn't see how he was supposed to convince her.

He knew now how he felt about her. After spending two long years apart, the ties that held them together were only too plain, far stronger than any ties he felt to anyone or anything else. They had pulled him back across the Atlantic Ocean. With anyone else, it felt empty, but with Zoe- they knew every inch of each other, inside and out, something he had never shared with anyone else before. Without her, he felt like there was something missing: people sounded the same, looked the same, but it was like he needed her with him to function properly, to compute. Even now, she wasn't going to be back home for hours, and he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do when he was alone.

He wasn't going to let her slip through his fingers this time.

**_Only love can hurt like this_**


End file.
